It’s Cool

A long long time ago in 2004 things were not cool. I say that, some people were cool. But then, some people were not cool. That was usually cool with most cool and not cool people. A small sub-category of cool people were those who were not cool and didn’t care which made them cool but they didn’t care about that either. The group which fascinated me however were the people who tried extremely hard to not be cool (and succeeded) in effort to be cool (and failed). Basically Napoleon Dynamite had a lot to answer for and the advertising industry was crawling with them.

The hero of our story fell foul of the “making a gargantuan effort to be so not cool I’m cool” paradox and was named Matt. A few brief examples:

• Matt wore three watches simultaneously. One analogue, one digital and one Action-Man.
• Matt claimed to have never watched a film other than Back to the Future.
• Matt thought going on holiday was a cliché as was the notion of breakfast.
• Matt claimed to be a DJ (while rejecting the term DJ) who never prepared a set but randomly bought and then randomly played, records he’d acquired in a charity shop. Presumably at “so not cool they are cool” venues.

You get the idea – harmless but so preoccupied with cultivating this ludicrous persona a lot of his life missed out on some much needed attention.

For inexplicable reasons Matt was allowed to client meetings. One fateful day a combination of illness at both the client and Matt’s company meant that Matt was filling in for both his boss and boss’ boss who had flu. Meanwhile a very powerful and terrifying client was filling in for his underling and underling’s underling who were struck down with minion fever.

A vast weekly meeting of 30 to 40 people was usually chaired by the head minion who was a truly lovely man. He ruled with a rod of toffee and excuses and failure were accepted currency to the point where it was a mystery to me why anyone showed up. Chit-chat and biscuits were the priority and when it finally came time for everyone to report on what they’d been up to all week it was usually time to go home.

This week was different. It was as though Darth Vader had replaced a Care Bear and minions parted like the Red Sea as the Head of Marketing walked in to his first ever weekly status meeting.

There was no chit-chat and the biscuits were left untouched.

Darth took out an immaculate leather bound meeting book and two fountain pens. It was 2004 but the internet had been invented by then. Laptops, PDAs, Blackberrys and Biros all existed but Darth just relied on quills and fear.

We flew through the agenda with remarkable efficiency with minions and suppliers coming swiftly to attention to answer questions about a new car launch.

Darth was pleased. The new car launch was his magnus opus and his master had foreseen its success.

More questions around press-packs, PR and advertising spots were all answered satisfactorily. It was Matt’s turn to answer a question.

Unfortunaly for Matt another person was missing from the room. This man’s weekly contribution was a source of great amusement to the rest of us as he never did any work but simply presented the lack there of in a weekly update. He once opened with a chart that simply said “I’ve not been well”. This basically meant that if you showed up to this meeting and didn’t shit yourself you were in little danger of being its worst performer. This time Matt bravely took up that baton.

Inexplicably Matt was in charge of the website. I cant remember what his views on the internet were but given that a lot of people thought it was cool he probably loathed it (or claimed never to have heard of it).

Anyway – Darth wanted to know what reply visitors to the website would get if they made an enquiry about the car that was about to launch (Magnus Opus, high on the Emperor’s agenda etc).

Matt didn’t know. He should have said he didn’t know but he didn’t know he should have said he didn’t know. Similarly Matt wasn’t cool. He should have been happy not being cool (like the rest of us) but made the uncool decision to try and make being uncool, cool.

Perhaps that was why instead of saying “I don’t know” he casually said “It’s cool”

Darth was not pleased. He was a suspicious chap. Was this twat openly defying him in front of his minions or worse was he sabotaging the car launch by ignoring enquiries? He could be sending anything. Hand drawn pictures of cars? Dick pics? Random mixes of records he found in a charity shop?

“It’s not cool, Please answer the question”

Now to say it once was fucking stupid, the second time was borderline madness. Matt was in pieces. He was fumbling though papers knowing full well they didn’t hold the answer. He reached for a biscuit. His brain had long since given up on him and instead of helping, offered up two fateful words.

“It’s cool” (with his mouth full of biscuit)

Darth was not pleased (I was, Darth wasn’t). With terrifying calmness he removed his glasses and over a few long minutes (which Matt filled with a another nervous biscuit) explained the importance of the launch and the fundamental nature of the question which he duly repeated.

If one was to compile a list of two word responses that Matt could have selected “Who cares?”, “Fuck You” and “Broom Broom” would have served him better than the two he went for.

A puzzled look came over his face as he wondered why he was about to do what he did.

Would he? Could he? Did he? – He did.

The meeting ended immediately. Everyone left but Matt. I literally never saw him again. But we never forgot him. He and the story became the stuff of legend and the candle of his career burned out long before the legend ever did. Matt was cool.